my kid’s a jerk! yea, that’s right, i said it; MY KID’S A JERK!

even more annoying is the fact that he’s a very intentional jerk. i don’t think he intentionally means to be a jerk, but he very intentionally does things that are extremely jerk-like.

po-tay-to, po-tah-to, whatever. he’s a jerk.

i will say that his general jerkiness is making me into one of those crafty moms, so it has it’s good side. for example, all babies love the drop-and-pickup game. it’s a riot to them for whatever reason to take whatever object is in their hand and repeatedly drop/throw it then squeal heartbrokenly if you don’t retrieve it for them.

of course when you do they just drop/throw it again. big fun.

my kid takes drop-and-pickup to another level. he’ll squeal, screech, and flail about until he has a good sized collection of toys and trinkets within arms reach, then he’ll hurl them one by one to the nether regions of the room, then squeal, screech, flail about or contort/struggle/writhe and attempt personal injury until he gets them back…individually. don’t try to pick them all up at once and hand them to him in a bunch. not unless you want him to smack them onto the floor, or even more fun, throw them at YOU individually. and for a 1 yr. old his aim in uncanny.

after having to leave the room a few times and count to ten while taking deep cleansing breaths, i had to realize that he’s only doing it because his way means he gets my attention for longer. even if i ignore the game for a little while, he’ll bang his head on things, throw himself backwards, try to twist out of whatever he’s strapped into almost to the point of giving himself rope burn; he’ll force me to pay attention to him for as long as he deems necessary.

he’s a jerk, but he’s very intelligent. he’s wiley. so am i.

i’ve now found ways to strap everything to him or to whatever contraption he’s strapped into. it’s particularly awesome when he’s in his stroller and done playing with whatever bottle, cup, or toy that was occupying him and has to hurl it with all his might to show his completion; kind-hearted people damn near dive like their going for home base to catch the poor baby’s object before it touches the nasty ground only to feel foolish when the object boings and lands back in his lap thanks to whatever cord or device i used.

somehow, he also senses when i’m trying to keep him on a schedule to that i can get some kind of work done. again, he knows that a scheduled day means less face-time for baby and this is not an option.

these are the days when the baby adrenaline kicks in.

he won’t sleep. sleep is the enemy and the enemy must be defeated.

he will pull out every stop in his efforts to stave off the enemy. i’ve seen my child pull at his own hair, punch himself with toys (not the plush, squishy toys, the hard plastic ones), even bite his own toes so hard he left teeth marks just to stay awake.

and of course the more of this he does the more attention he requires because, you know, it hurts him. a lot.

so basically he won’t sleep and he won’t let me put him down for 5 mins. because he’ll injure himself. or his new trick is to jam anything, including his own fist, so far down his throat that he pukes. then he does a happy dance in said puke and holds the offending, puke covered object out to me with a big, 6 toothed grin.

WHAT A JERK!!!

i mean if the person you lived with acted like this just for their own amusement you’d put their crap out on the street and change the locks! i’m probably not going to put my child out yet, but i don’t care what you say, he really is a jerk.